10 Outrageous Wishes for the New Year

As a new year begins, it is time once again to look back to the past, scream in horror, and quickly comprise a list of resolutions that we all hope will change our lives for the better. The good news is that six months after we pledge to all our friends, family, and the dog that this is the year we are going to change, only 46% of us will actually stay true to our resolutions. As a result, this year I have decided to shake things up a bit and shun traditional resolutions in favor of creating a list of things I’d like to do in 2012 along with the things I would NOT like to discover in the process:

  1. I’d like to wake up once and NOT discover I am one day older.
  2. I’d like to park at the mall and NOT come back to discover that the only distance-challenged driver within three thousand miles has left a generous two-inch gap between his car and mine.
  3. I’d like to go to the gym and NOT gain weight from lifting weights.
  4. I’d like to read one of those “Love Is” cartoons and NOT groan out loud or lose my lunch into my purse.
  5. I’d like to do a cartwheel and NOT look like a three-year-old on her first day in tumbling class.
  6. I’d like to try on my leather mini-skirt from twenty years ago and NOT realize I can’t get it past my kneecaps.
  7. I’d like to bake cookies and NOT have them turn out like mini-Olympic discuses.
  8. I’d like to wear a strapless dress and NOT suddenly realize I have nothing to hold it up other than a prayer and packing tape.
  9. I’d like to climb something and NOT have it be my wall.
  10. I’d like to organize my life and NOT discover that means I have to become more organized.

Call me Pollyanna, an eternal optimist, or just plain stupid, but I’d really like to think that 2012 is going to be the kind of year where I finally become as fit as Cindy Crawford, as rich as Oprah Winfrey, and as super duper smart as Stephen Hawking—and NOT without waking up and realizing it was all a dream.

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About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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5 Responses to 10 Outrageous Wishes for the New Year

  1. Gail Brandt says:

    I especially like #2 (happens to me ALL the time!), 6 & 8. I believe the reason for #6 is that #8 is down there by #6! 🙂
    Happy New Year!

  2. kewsmith says:

    I’m so passed strapless. I close my eyes when I pass a mirror and my arms are bare. Happy New Year. Love your blog.

  3. Great resolutions, and I wish that they will all come true for you! They are so creative. I never thought of wishing I could do a cartwheel (I’m certain it’s not in the cards), but if you wish it, you can do it — and I hope you post about it. 🙂

    • Right now, I’m sporting a cast on one leg, so I’m going to have to wait at least a few weeks before attempting any cartwheels (and no, I didn’t acquire the cast from attempting a cartwheel!). 🙂

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