Top Ten Things I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time for cooking for 12 hours, eating 9,734 calories in 10 minutes, plopping ourselves on the couch in a carbohydrate-induced coma, and giving thanks for all the bountiful gifts in life. Oh, believe you me, I’m the first one to admit that I’m thankful for all the obvious gifts like family; rainbows; kindness of strangers; friends; the sun, moon, and stars; and the sale on boxed wine at the supermarket. But I’m also thankful for the many not-so-obvious gifts. Therefore, I’ve compiled my list of the top ten things I am eternally grateful for this Thanksgiving:

  1. The treadmill because it is much healthier for me to hate something that makes me healthy than it is for me to hate living breathing creatures like people and cats.
  2. My cell phone calculator because it saves me from trying to mentally compute the following story problem while shopping: If the original price of a scarf is $15.95 and the sale price is $12.35, how much is 20% off 40% of the lowest price plus a $10 mail-in rebate minus the store discount for cash only purchases?
  3. My middle-aged sisters for making the smart decision not to retire all the way to my knees but instead to hover over my muffin top until their Social Security checks start coming.
  4. Basketball season because it signals the end of my football widowhood every year and reminds me that yes, I do indeed have a husband.
  5. Another year without my doctor saying, “Starve yourself for a day, take these pills, drink two gallons of this thick goopy stuff, and then let me know how many rolls of toilet paper you go through before I see you for that colonoscopy in the morning.”
  6. Spanx or any cheap facsimile thereof because anything that makes me look like I have a 24-inch waist when I really have a 42-inch waist is a miracle for which I will be forever grateful.
  7. My memory because at least for now, it appears I won’t be yelling, “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?” to my husband when he comes home from work every night.
  8. Bad television commercials because it gives me a reason to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen for a snack.
  9. Reading glasses because without them I would have to pay for the expensive arm extension surgery that health insurance companies refuse to cover.
  10. My God-given talent to exaggerate because without that skill, I would never be able to compose my annual holiday letter.

In November 1621, the colonists and the Indians sat at a big table and gave thanks for a bountiful corn crop and the fact that none of the colonists had thrown anyone overboard while traveling on a small ship across the ocean for 66 days. Now some 390 years later, we carry on their tradition of celebrating the fact no matter our obstacles over the past year, we can always find something to be thankful for—even if it is for elastic-waisted pants.

By Vicky DeCoster – All Rights Reserved

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About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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3 Responses to Top Ten Things I am Thankful for This Thanksgiving

  1. Harper Faulkner says:

    Really good stuff, Vicky.

    PS: My wife loves boxed wine and I pray to the god of exaggeration.

    • Thanks for the comment, Harper. The steps to my in-laws’ basement are lined with boxed wine, apparently just in case they’re trapped in the house for 40 straight months. Hey, it can happen you know!

  2. Funny! And I loved this part, “My memory because at least for now, it appears I won’t be yelling, “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?” to my husband when he comes home from work every night.” 🙂 Also, thank you for the reminder that Thanksgiving is a time for just that — to be thankful! It’s easy to get so wrapped up in holiday plans that we forget the simplest reason to celebrate the day.

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