Humorist Decides to Just Be Friends … with Facebook

This morning started like any other—with a bowl of Cheerios, an English muffin, and a cup of coffee. Or so that’s what I thought until I stumbled down to my home office, opened Facebook, and screamed.

There’s no in between when it comes to social media—either you love it or hate it. Personally, I think social media is better than dating because it’s the one time you can say, “I just want to be friends,” and not be the bad guy. In fact, I’m one of Facebook’s biggest fans. But lately it seems Facebook is changing its functions, settings, and home page more often than I change my mind (which is a lot if you must know).

I’ll be honest, it took me a while to embrace Facebook. After all, I was used to picking up the phone and calling friends whenever I wanted to talk. Better yet, sometimes we would even meet for coffee or lunch. But suddenly, there was Facebook. Right there. In my basement. I didn’t even have to do my hair, wear clothes, or have a voice to chat with my friends. Like most everyone else, I embraced Facebook. I posted when I ate too much for dinner; I posted when my dog did something cute; and I posted “I have nothing to say,” when I had nothing to say.

For years, I was the friend who didn’t realize it was someone’s birthday until there was nothing left from the celebration except crusty frosting chunks, candle stubs, and wadded up wrapping paper. But then, thanks to Facebook, I suddenly had a new lease on remembering the glorious day of everyone’s birth. Every morning, my friends’ birthdays appeared on the right side of my page and alerted me to the fact that yes, the world did not always revolve around me. Suddenly, I was Ms. Birthday Wisher Extraordinaire. I was sending birthday wishes faster than you could say, “I just want to be friends.” I hadn’t forgotten a birthday in twenty-four months, including my own. Oh, the Facebook world was my oyster—full of treasures like endless privacy settings, friend requests that were easily found, and emails that actually found their way to my email inbox.

But in the darkness last night, everything changed. Apparently someone nurturing a passion for torturing innocent social media users lurked in the shadows outside the Facebook corporate offices until all the employees straggled home to post what they ate for dinner on Facebook. Once the coast was clear, this unnamed person allegedly broke into the office, laughed evilly, and changed everything. As a result, today millions of Facebook users are staring at their screens, with mouths hanging open, and wondering what the heck happened while they were sleeping.

It’s okay. Change is good sometimes because it forces you to do things you might not have normally done—like picking up your landline phone and actually calling a friend for lunch instead of commenting on their post about what they ate for lunch and wishing you were there with them when they tried rocky mountain oysters for the first time. I’ve decided I’m looking at this change in a positive light. Today, Facebook reminded me once again about what is important in life—and none of it can be found on a computer screen.

Facebook, I love you. I really do. So, please don’t go changing just to try to please me. Because if you do, I think I just want to be friends.


About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at
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