Quality Toilet Paper: The Secret Behind Every Happy Family

 SEMI-FINALIST WINNER, February/March 2010 Contest

Everything changed in our house the moment I brought home a twelve-pack of expensive toilet paper to replace the generic facsimile I had been purchasing for years from the large discount chain store down the road.

Oh, I knew we’d come a long way from the early days in America when settlers were forced to use corn cobs and pages torn from the Sears catalog, but I was quickly growing tired of the incredibly shrinking double roll that was now actually half-a-ply thickness and the size of a single roll due to secret width shrinkage by toilet paper CEOs who obviously thought they were more clever than the consumer. When I realized we were all using approximately eight feet of paper during one bathroom visit, I called my accountant to inquire if we could deduct the cost of toilet paper off our tax return as some sort of home office expense. But when my teenage son informed me that he just couldn’t successfully teepee his high school friends’ houses anymore with, as he called it, “that cheap stuff you call toilet paper,” it was just the kick in the chaffed bottom I needed. As a result, I decided—recession or not—that it was time to invest in toilet paper with superior absorbency, soothing aloe, and the thickness of my pillow-top mattress.


After spending way too much time in the toilet paper aisle mulling over moistened or perfumed, lotion or Vitamin E, designs or solid colors, and softness or durability, I returned home that morning with a twelve-pack of what I, after careful consideration and detailed research, considered to be pure luxury. No matter that I had to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for those twelve rolls with double-digit plys, I just knew that with one swipe of that expensive paper, our bottoms would surely think they’d died and gone off to spa heaven to be pampered forever.


As the children and their father helped me unload the car, I heard a collective gasp as the designer toilet paper package was unveiled in the trunk. “Did we hit the lottery and I don’t know it yet?” my husband asked as he threw the package to my son who immediately informed me he might be out a little late that night and not to worry if I was missing six rolls out of the twelve in the morning. My daughter grabbed the package away from my son and ran to the bathroom where after a few seconds she shouted gleefully, “I only need two squares not half a roll!”


It’s been a few weeks now since we switched toilet paper brands and I have to tell you, we’ve never been happier, wealthier, or softer.  Best of all, one roll now lasts days, not minutes, my accountant started returning my calls again, and our need for soothing ointment has dropped dramatically.


That second mortgage was definitely worth it. 


About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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2 Responses to Quality Toilet Paper: The Secret Behind Every Happy Family

  1. Unknown says:

    Cultural jolts of the TP variety.1969: I\’m soldiering in Korea. Joint operation with Korean troops. Field latrines erected. Weather is miserable – cold, wet, windy. Tough on the urinary tract. First visit to field latrine. Ground muddy. Open door. See two Korean troops with muddy boots – squatting on the latrine bench. Lots of mud. No TP.1969. Seoul. Go to theater to see Tea House of August Moon. Become sick. Go to Men\’s room. Open stall door. Just a porcelain-lined hole in the floor. TP? Uh-uh. Vicky\’s friend and fellow author Mike Johnson

  2. Unknown says:


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