It was late at night in April 1912 and a guy named Ore Eeoh was hungry for something sweet. He thought to himself, “Self, wouldn’t it be great if I had two chocolate disks with some crème filling in the middle?” A few days later after accidentally sleeping in and missing the maiden voyage of the Titanic, Ore Eeoh ran into an executive from the Nabisco company in a restroom and told him his idea for a cookie as he handed him a towel to dry his hands. Ore Eeoh signed over his idea to Nabisco the next morning and immediately became immediately wealthy and retired to an island in the South Pacific.
Since the invention of the Oreo, over 362 billion cookies have been sold. One day, two psychologists became very bored while listening to their patients constantly complain, decided to study people as they ate Oreos.
“Dr. Siegfried,” Dr. Roy said, “I do believe that the way people eat these cookies is providing us with valuable insight into their personalities!”
Dr. Roy agreed, “Why yes, Dr. Siegfried, your theory is brilliant I tell you … BRILLIANT!”
Dr. Siegfried knew there was a reason why he worked so closely with Dr. Roy, and not just because they devoted their weekends to practicing for their possible future acceptance into the circus as lion tamers.
After I read up on the history of this cookie and all its deliciousness, I decided to quietly study my family members as they each ate a row of Oreos one night last week. My husband brought his row of cookies to the living room. He sat down and promptly popped a whole Oreo into his mouth, chewing voraciously.
“AH HA!” I yelled.
“What? What?” he replied, seemingly angry that I had interrupted his eating frenzy.
“You popped the entire Oreo into your mouth!” I answered.
“So?” he said.
I pulled out my notes from my research. “Eating the cookie all at once means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree, and totally irresponsible. You should never be trusted with children.” I stopped and chewed my fingernail, “This worries me. I think I should eat an Oreo while I think about whether or not I have ever seen this carefree side of you.”
I went to the kitchen and brought a cookie back to the couch. I began eating it like a mouse. As I took tiny rapid nibbles, my husband snatched my notebook away from me. I was still 365 bites away from finishing my cookie when he said, “It says here that your boss loves you because you get your work done right away. Not only that, but it adds that you always have tons of things to do, but never enough time to get them done. Mental breakdowns run in your family. It says I need to start a Valium I.V. and transport you to a hospital immediately.”
“Nice imitation of Johnny Gage on “Emergency!”” I joked as I nibbled on my cookie.
My husband shook his head. “Remember that time we took your mother out for dessert and it took her two hours to eat one piece of pecan pie because she ate it one pecan at a time?”
“Don’t bring up that night,” I muttered, “At least my mother can be trusted with children.”
I turned my head to look at my daughter who was dunking her Oreo in a huge glass of milk. “What does it say about her?” I asked my husband.
He turned the page in my notebook and scanned a paragraph. “She likes to try to diminish bad situations into good ones. She has a tendency to lean towards narcotic addiction.”
“GIVE ME THAT MILK RIGHT NOW!” I ordered as I grabbed her glass.
“Moooooooommm!” she yelped. “Why can’t I dunk my Oreo?”
“Just never mind,” I said.
As I watched my son eating his cookie one slow bite at a time, I realized he was the only normal one in the bunch. Apparently 5.4 billion other people eat their Oreos the same way.
I asked a friend the other day how she ate her Oreos and she surprised me with her answer. “When my sister and I were little, we used a knife to remove the crème filling from each Oreo cookie in the package. We ate all the cookie discs and when we were done, a HUGE pile of crème filling sat in the center of the table. We then took two spoons and ate the filling, one dollop at a time.”
If Ore Eeoh were alive today, he’d be so proud of that story that he’d celebrate and eat a row of Oreos, one slow bite at a time without dunking them in milk. Then he’d smile across the room at the girl he had been trying to hook up with all night and she would grimace, turn away, and say, “Oh gross Ore Eeoh, you’ve got cookie crumbs stuck in your teeth!”
Even when you’re rich, your good luck is bound to run out someday.