Senior Citizen Alert

Two days ago I opened the mailbox and peered inside.  “Uh-oh,” I muttered.  “This isn’t going to be pretty.”  An envelope with bright red lettering stood out in the pile of bills and junk mail.  The envelope might as well have spelled out in bright red letters, “MR. DECOSTER!  YOU ARE NOW A SENIOR CITIZEN!”

 

I called my husband at work.  “Guess what arrived in the mail today?”

 

He answered excitedly, “That big economic stimulus check from the IRS? I am ready to help fire up this economy!”

 

“Wrong-o,” I replied.  “You got an envelope from the AARP.  They want you to join.”

 

Dead silence.

 

“Honey?” I asked.  Now that he had officially become a senior citizen, I did want to make sure he was still breathing.

 

“Did you say the AARP?” he squeaked.

 

“Yes … you’re going to be 50 in November you know!” I announced just in case he had forgotten his age.

 

“I REALIZE I AM TURNING FIFTY!” he yelled in the phone.  “The AARP is for OLD PEOPLE!”

 

“Fifty is the new forty-eight,” I replied.

 

“Very funny,” he said.  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

“I hear we can get great discounts on travel and it’s only $12.50 a year to join,” I added quickly before he slammed the phone down.

 

I immediately went on-line and checked out the AARP web site where I read three very informative articles about Alzheimer’s disease, hypertension and osteoporosis.

 

I called my husband back.  Just as he answered, I blurted, “Did you know that after menopause, my body makes less estrogen which protects my body from bone loss?”

 

He sighed loudly.

 

“I never knew that high blood pressure could cause damage to the brain, kidneys, and eyes, did you?” I asked.  “And I’m not sure if I have normal forgetfulness or the beginnings of Alzheimer’s disease. I did forget to put dinner in the oven last week, remember?”

 

“What have you been reading?” he inquired suspiciously.

 

“LOOK!” I shouted.  “WE’VE ONLY GOT 15 YEARS BEFORE WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEDICARE, MEDIGAP AND MEDICAID!”

 

“You’ve been on the AARP web site, haven’t you? he questioned.

 

“Yes,” I said quietly.  “But here’s the great thing.  We can get $20.00 off the price of a hotel room simply because you’re a SENIOR CITIZEN!  Isn’t that great?”

 

“Oh God,” he said.  “I AM NOT A SENIOR CITIZEN, SENIOR, or MATURE ADULT!”

 

“Jamie Lee Curtis is turning fifty in November too,” I added.  “I saw it posted on the AARP site.”

 

“Really?” he asked. “She’s HOT!”

 

“She said she’s not even worried about turning 50,” I replied.  “I think she’s actually embracing her age!”

 

“Oh God,” he said.  “This is really happening, isn’t it?”

 

“Michelle Pfeiffer is fifty.  And Sharon Stone too," I added.

 

“THEY’RE BOTH SUPER HOT!” my husband shouted.

 

“So, do you want me to sign you up?” I asked cautiously.

 

He exhaled noisily, “I’ve officially turned into my Dad.”

 

“Don’t feel bad,” I answered.  “I see my mother every time I look in the mirror – except without the curlers and cat glasses of course.”

 

“I guess it’s good that at least for now, I don’t see my grandfather when I look in the mirror,” he replied before we hung up.

 

Four million baby boomers will turn fifty in 2008. Four of them are SUPER HOT.  Jamie, Michelle, Sharon, and of course, my husband.

 

I’ll say anything to get that hotel room discount.

 

 

 

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About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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