Well, it’s happened again in Council Bluffs, Iowa. The Easter Bunny is stirring up more controversy than Obama and his preacher. Someone skipped … er … uh … hopped away with the Easter Bunny’s costume this week – stolen right out from under the bunny’s nose while he innocently took a nap between photo sessions at the mall.
“This is the first time I’ve ever heard of this happening,” said the photography company’s President while munching on Peeps and an egg salad sandwich. “Not to worry though,” he added after swallowing. He’d never admit it, but just like every CEO, he was always secretly concerned about the company’s bottom line … er … uh … the future of his million dollar bonus so, as a result, he continued, “We have plenty of suits. We’re flying in a new costume for the bunny right now.” Meanwhile, his assistant was thinking to herself as she watched him on the news, “How in the world did he come up with that hare-brained idea? Does he really think I’m going to find a size 42 bunny suit at this late hour?”
The police are short on leads and Crime Stoppers is on top of the case, but in the meantime back at the grassy knoll, the Easter Bunny was posing for pictures with his paws crisscrossed over his private parts.
In the interim, Santa, who was secretly addicted to CNN News, was glued to his plasma television at the North Pole as he watched Anderson Cooper relay a minute-by-minute dramatic description of the action at the mall. He turned the television off just as Cooper asked the shivering Easter Bunny, “Do you have any idea why money isn’t getting to the Hurricane Katrina victims?”
Santa yelled to the elves, “The Easter Bunny has been exposed … literally! I can’t let this happen!” Santa called Rudolf on his cell phone and shouted, “We’ve got to get to Council Bluffs, Iowa STAT!”
Rudolf wasn’t happy to hear from Santa, who was always requiring him to be “on call” for these types of supposed “emergencies.” Rudolf muttered to himself as he tested his nose light and prepared to fly out the barn door, “Santa is sooooo bored. Santa needs another job that will keep him busy 363 days a year.”
Santa tossed a few items in his sled just as Rudolf arrived with the other reindeer who had just flown in from South Beach smelling like Mojitos and cheap women. A few minutes later, Santa landed his sled on the mall roof, hopped out and grabbed his bag of goodies. “HO, HO, HO!” he blurted as children on the streets below screamed and pointed in shock, “Santa doesn’t have any pants on!” Santa gasped and looked down, mortified to realize he’d left his pants at home. He thought it felt a little breezy on the ride down, but he always watched CNN in his boxers. It was a tradition. Rudolf just shook his head.
Lucky for Santa, he found an extra pair of pants in the back seat of his sled. He opened up his map of the mall and immediately decided his fastest route to the center of the mall would be through the heating duct clearly labeled “Heating Duct.” He took a running leap and propelled his body down the duct where he promptly got stuck. “Darn!” he shouted, “I shouldn’t have eaten those last 12 sugar cookies.” Several hours later, Santa woke up from a long nap. Much to his chagrin, he was still wedged in the heating duct, but this time when he looked down, he got an eyeful. Someone had stolen HIS suit. Or at least that’s what Anderson Cooper reported LIVE on CNN a few minutes later.