Thin Mints Do NOT Make Me Thin!

Well, the Girl Scout cookies are here.  Thank God.  After all, I’ve only had a few days to rest since the Valentine’s Day candy feeding frenzy and of course, there’s the Easter holiday looming on the horizon.

 

Every year, I can’t resist a Girl Scout when she comes to my door with her order forms clutched firmly in her little hand and says, “Listen lady, I need to meet my sales quota.  I’m trying to win the pink Mercedes.  By the way, can I recruit you into the Girl Scouts so I can then become a District Manager while you sell tons and tons of cookies to anyone and everyone you’ve ever met in your life?”

 

I shake my head no while glancing quickly at the order form.  “Do you have a pen?” I ask her.

 

She adds, “You’ll be able to quit your day job in just six months!”

 

I shake my head again and “X” my favorites.  I hand her back the form.

 

The young cookie entrepreneur stares at it.  “Just two boxes?” she questions.

 

“Well, I ordered from other Girl Scouts also,” I reply nervously.

 

She passes the order form back to me.  “Mama needs a new pair of shoes.  How about a few more boxes that you can give to all your friends?”

 

I sigh as I sign up for more cookies than I can eat in an entire year.  “Would you like to host a home party where I can come in and sell all my cookies to everyone you know and even those you barely know?” she asks sweetly.

 

“No thanks,” I say, “I’m really a very, very busy lady.”  I make that statement knowing that the only thing I have going on in the next few weeks is trying to take off five pounds before the cookies arrive so then I will only gain 10 additional pounds instead of 15.

 

Thanks lady!” she yells as she runs to the house of the next sucker in my neighborhood.

 

A few weeks later, I haul in the 49 boxes of cookies from my front porch that various Girl Scout troop mothers have dropped off in the last few days.  In a matter of minutes, my kitchen counters are stacked with Thin Mints, Cinnamon Swirls, Lemonades, and Peanut Butter Sandwich cookies.  Cookies that I didn’t actually need or want and extra calories I’m going to really regret later.

 

I stand back and survey the situation.  I pick up a box of peanut butter sandwich cookies and read one side of the box that says, “Courage, Confidence, Character.”  “That’s nice,” I think to myself as I slowly eat a row of cookies.  As I chew the last cookie, I turn the box to read the other side.  I gasp loudly, “GOOD GRAVY!” I scream.  “I’VE JUST INHALED 1,600 EMPTY CALORIES IN LESS THAN THREE MINUTES!”

 

I rotate the box and stare at the photograph on the front.  Three very happy little girls are looking at an owl and its handler, seemingly enjoying his speech on what owls eat and what they watch on television. I pick up a box of Thin Mints where I view a picture of a group of young girls who are hanging off a rope ladder in mid-air, arms around each other, obviously sharing a lovely camaraderie.  I hold the box up in front of my face and shout, “I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU, GIRLS … ALL FOR YOU!” as I shove three Thin Mints in my mouth at once.  “TRY THIS TRICK AT YOUR NEXT OVERNIGHT CAMPING TRIP!” I yell as cookie crumbs fly out of my mouth and all over the box.  “IT’LL MAKE SINGING KUM BA YAH AROUND THE CAMPFIRE SEEM REALLY, REALLY BORING!”

 

My husband found me a few hours later with cookie boxes haphazardly torn open and strewn about the floor. My body was draped over the counter and I was laughing hysterically.  He looked horrified.  “Honey,” he said quietly, “You have a chocolate mustache and peanut butter smeared all over your good work blouse.”

 

“Do you have any insulin?” I asked just before I fell into a sugar-induced coma that lasted several hours.

 

The Girl Scout motto is “Always Be Prepared.”  My new aphorism is “Never Answer the Door when a Girl Scout is Ringing the Doorbell.”

 

I’m already feeling better about my self-worth.

 

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About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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