Behind the Times … Again

There must be a secret underground club of baby boomers who are technically behind the times. If so, I should have a gold lifetime membership certificate coming my way very soon. I just hope it’s coming via snail mail, not the Internet, because I’ll never be able to download it.

My name is Vicky and I’m still using a dial-up connection in my home office.


Breathe deeply everyone. I’ve always been slow to jump on the "trend bandwagon" and this is just another example, but I’m starting to feel a little like I did in junior high when everyone was wearing long hair, knee socks and mini-skirts and I was still sporting a pixie cut, bobby socks and poodle skirts.

Thanks for all the video jokes you’ve been sending me lately, but I have to confess. I lied when I emailed you back and said, "That was really funny!" I tried to open one of those video files one morning after breakfast and as the moon rose into the dark sky later that night, I was still waiting for it to open.

Thanks for all those photos you’ve been sending me of your grandchildren and your pets and your vacation to Cucamungo Island in the South Pacific. I have to confess that I fibbed when I emailed you back and said, "Gosh darn it, that is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen," and "Fido is getting sooooo big!" and "Wow, you look fantastic in a bathing suit!" Unfortunately, after downloading the photos for almost three hours, someone called our phone number and disconnected me from the Internet.

I’ve learned that when I cruise the Internet, I’m not going to be trekking through Cyberspace at warp speed like most of you. Instead, I’ll be cruising like my 80-year-old Grandma used to drive to the grocery store in her Chevy Nova – at about 10 miles per hour and making complete four-wheel stops at every web site.

Lately I’ve really been thinking about calling the local cable company and signing up for high-speed Internet but I’ve become a little frightened about all the viruses that might invade my house through the cable and wipe out my entire hard drive in a matter of seconds. To top it off, I’d have to start talking like a nerdy techie and start using jargon like, "Oh darling, broadband is soooo much better than high-speed" or "My download speed is 45 times faster than 56Kdps!" To be honest, I don’t even know what broadband is except that I think it’s politically incorrect to call anything a "Broad" in today’s world, isn’t it? And 56K means $56,000 in my world and that’s a nice chunk of change. Probably enough to pay for high-speed Internet for at least a year. I have no idea what it means in the computer world.

In the meantime, keep sending me those photos and videos via email. Just don’t call me for three days after you send the files. I’ll be downloading them and if you disconnect me, I’ll have to lie again.



About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at
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