Queen of Dorkdom

My eyes were glued shut yesterday morning when I woke up. I knew immediately what was wrong. I had picked up conjunctivitis somewhere and I now had the red, itchy eyes to prove it. Hippies used to smoke a lot of funny cigarettes in the 1960s to get the same look I sported now. A feeling of dread came over me – not because I had an eye infection, but because I knew I’d have to wear my glasses for 48 hours. I was doomed to the life of a dork once again.

I’ve worn contacts since I was 16, when I transformed myself from Queen of the Dorkdom Kingdom to Queen of the Popular Crowd with the simple removal of my nerdy glasses. As a result, I rarely replace my glasses since I hardly ever wear them. So, when I came out of the bedroom yesterday morning wearing my huge glasses from 1974 that suddenly transformed me into looking like the identical twin of Eggbert, the exceptionally smart chicken from the Bugs Bunny cartoon, my husband gasped in horror and asked, "Whatever is wrong with your eyes?"

"I have an eye infection," I muttered.

"Does that mean you’re going to have to … (he took a deep breath) … wear those glasses out in public?" he asked.

"Maybe," I said as I poured my cereal on to the counter instead of my bowl.

"Uh honey," my husband remarked, "The bowl is three inches to the left."

I took my glasses off and moved my face closer to the counter. "You’re right!" I exclaimed. "These glasses are not bifocals." As I scooped up the cereal into my bowl, I asked, "Did you get the newspaper off the porch yet?"

He pushed me out of the way. "I’ll get it! I think Bob is out watering his lawn and I’d hate for him to …" he stopped himself just in time to completely irritate me, which didn’t take much since I hadn’t had any coffee yet since I accidentally poured the coffee grounds into the cream pitcher instead of the coffeemaker.

"You’d hate for him to WHAT?" I inquired.

"Oh nothing," he said. "It’s just that he’s getting old and change is really hard for him and if he sees you in those glasses … well, I’m just not sure what would happen. He is frail you know."

My 12-year-old son woke up and ambled into the kitchen. He gasped. "Mom, what are you doing with THOSE things on your face?"

I pulled the glasses off and said, "Look at my eyes!"

He gulped, "Those look nasty!" After a few seconds he added with a serious tone, "Mom, DO NOT go outside in front of my friends today if you’re wearing those glasses."

I have been banned to the Dorkdom Kingdom once again. I’d better find my crown.



About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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