I just heard on the television news that in neighboring Iowa, they’ve decided to stop asking drivers for their weight when they renew their licenses. Will the government employee who made that executive decision, please step forward? I’d like to kiss you.
For years, I’ve had to go to confession to receive forgiveness for lying about my weight on my driver’s license. Everyone knows that the amount they write down on their driver’s license renewal form is their goal weight, not their actual weight. Every time I see that little weight box on the renewal form, I start to sweat. It’s a battle between my healthy emotional conscience who sits on one shoulder and the fat devil who sits on the other shoulder:
Healthy emotional conscience says, "Just put down your real weight. No one is going to judge you based on how much you weigh."
Fat devil replies, "If you listen to healthy emotional conscience, you will embarrass yourself in front of God, police officers, cashiers who ask for your identification in the grocery store when you write a check, and the bartender who cards you when he knows you’re at least 21 times 2 just because he wants a big tip. Write down your goal weight, I tell you!
Healthy emotional conscience says, "Do the right thing, you nimrod. If you put down your goal weight, I’m not helping you through the next diet fad you decide to try."
Fat devil responds, "Listen sister, no one ever went to purgatory for lying about their weight. Trust me. Purgatory would have to be shut down by the Fire Marshall for overcrowding if that were the case. LIE!"
What I’d really like to know is why a police officer is on a "need to know" basis about my weight anyway? Before he wrestles me to the ground to handcuff me, does the police officer need to quickly check my driver’s license to see if I fall into the light (a.k.a., wienie) weight class or the heavyweight class?
There’s no valid reason I can think of for torturing citizens all over America by asking them to reveal their weight on a little card that many strangers see on a daily basis. So, I applaud you Iowa’s state government for your very brave decision.
I’m going to go eat a piece of pie or two … or three … to celebrate.