Questions that Should be Outlawed

     I love a good question … except from the checkout person at the store. By the time I’ve reached the checkout line, I’m pretty tired and just want to get the heck out of Dodge or the Super Big Boy Market. The questions begin as I start to load my items on the belt. "Would you like to save 10% today by signing up for our Super Duper red card?"

     "No thanks," I reply with a kind tone.

     She continues to ring up my items and after a short pause asks, "Would you like to donate $1.00 to the American Society of Tax Preparers?"

     I stare at her. "I’m afraid to ask, but why does the American Society of Tax Preparers need money?"

     "The IRS is after them for illegally filing their own tax return," she replied. "They need to hire some really smart and expensive accountants to save them from jail time."

     "No thanks," I mutter as I continue to fill out my check.

     After another short pause, she asks, "Is this a debit charge, a credit card charge, a charge to your store account, or a charge to the guy’s account standing in line behind you?"

     "Actually, I’m writing a check," I reply.

     The store grew deafening quiet. "A check?" she squeaks.

     "A check," I reply firmly. "You know, like they used to do in the old days when people rebelled against carrying thousands of little scraps of paper in their wallets?"

     The customers in line behind me murmur to each other as she asks, "Can I see your driver’s license, your AARP card, and your car insurance card?" As she writes the three lines of identification numbers that will surely allow the FBI, CIA and American Society of Tax Preparers to track me down anywhere in the world, I can’t believe my ears. She’s asking another question.

     "Paper or plastic?"

     "I DON’T CARE!" I scream, "THROW IT IN LAUNDRY BASKETS FOR ALL I CARE! JUST STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!"

     She smiles as she hands me my receipt, "I’m assuming you don’t want me to ask if you need any help out with your laundry baskets?"

     "You’re assuming correctly," I reply as I walk away and immediately run into the store manager who asks, "Can I interest you in filling out this short survey on your experience at Super Duper Big Boy Market today?

     At this rate, It’ll be a miracle if I have any hair left by the time I turn 50.

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About Vicky DeCoster

Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of "From Diapers to Dorkville," "Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo!" and "The Wacky World of Womanhood." She has been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. Vicky lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she loves to laugh every day. Visit her at www.wackywomanhood.com.
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